DONNY'S JOKE CORNER

Sportsman's Double
Ed met an older woman at the Route 1 Cafe last night.
She wasn't bad for 57. He drank and bullshitted a bit, then she asked if he'd ever had the 'Sportsman's Double', a mother and daughter threesome?
He said no.
They drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was his lucky night.
High fiving Walt on his way out, Ed went back to her place, and couldn't wait to meet her daughter.
Just then, she put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mom you still awake?"

Breakfast
A little boy Joseph comes down to breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his mother Doreen asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said Joseph.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, but he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and Doreen gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a grin, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

Headache
Bobby T. emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect" Bobby said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering
my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository,
it's up to you!"

2 Line Rymes

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life. 

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up sweating screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But please don't take that bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes!
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Test Your SMARTS ...

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether
you are qualified to be classified as a smart person. The questions are NOT that difficult. but you'll have to pay attention and use your head and your SMARTS.

Here we go ...

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

THINK before reading further ...

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and
close the door.

Simple huh ???

The next question tests whether you tend to do simple things
in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

THINK THINK THINK ....

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the
refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the
elephant and close the door.

Forgot about the giraffe didn't you?

Ok, this question tests your ability to think through the
repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend .... except one. Which animal does not attend?

CONCENTRATE ....

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You
just put him in there.

How ya doing ... still with me ??

This question tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you
still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

Ready ??

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you
do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Take your time  .... 

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across.

Have you not been
listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference.

Motorcycles are everywhere now - Keep an eye out for them when driving
Thanks - Donny

Army Issued
 
Fifty-one years ago, Electric Joe from Pittsburgh was drafted by the Army.  
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. - That afternoon the
Army barber sheared off all his hair.
 
On his second day, the Army issued Joe a toothbrush. - That afternoon the Army
dentist yanked seven of his teeth.  
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap ....  
The Army has been looking for Joe for 51 years.
 
Philadelphia Cops Don't Play 

Gene and Andy were driving through Philadelphia when they got pulled over by a pair of Philly Cops. 
 Officer Weber walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. Andy the driver rolled down
the window and "WHACK," the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

“What the hell was that for?" Andy asked.

“You're in Philadelphia, son," Officer Weber answered. "When we pull you over in Philadelphia, you'd
better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."
"I'm sorry, officer, " Andy said, "We're from Florida and didn't know your laws here."

Officer Weber runs a check on the guy's license and tells his Lieutenant Anderson that he's clean and
 gives the guy his license back.     
Lieutenant Anderson walked around to the passenger side and taps on the window. 
 Gene the passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the Lieutenant smacks him
on the head with the nightstick.
"What'd you do that for?" Geno demands. "Just making your wish come
true," replied Lieutenant Anderson.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know you guy's from Florida," the cop says, "two miles down the road you're gonna
 turn to your buddy Andy and say .....'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!!!!  
 
Ratt the Biker

 A biker, on a summer ride in the country,
 walks into a tavern and
sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: 

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50 
HANDJOB: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, Ratt
walks up to the bar and
beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive
women serving drinks  
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" 
"I was wondering," whispers Ratt, "are you the
 young lady who gives the hand-jobs?" 
"Yes," she purrs, "I am." 
 Ratt replies, "Well wash your hands, I want
 a cheeseburger."
 

THE POLITE WAY TO GO PEE

During one of her daily classes, a teacher, trying to teach good manners, asked the
LeCompt brothers the following question: 
 "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would
you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."  
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite  
The teacher then called on Richie. "How would you excuse yourself Richie?" 
 Richie replied, "I've gotta take a squirt"
"Absolutely not Richie" the teacher responded.
 
What about you, Jimmy, how would you say it?" Jimmy said, "I am sorry, but
I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."
"And you, Buddy, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with
 a VERY dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."  
The teacher fainted 
 
Pearly Gates 
 
Danny appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," Danny offered.
"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a
gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman named Jenny. I directed them to
leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached Bird, the largest and most heavily tattooed biker
and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose
ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll beat the snot out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago..."

Bar Joke
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, “Let’s go over to that bar for a drink.” The lady with the Chihuahua said, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.” The one with the Doberman said, “Just watch, and do as I do.” They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.” The woman with the Doberman said, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.” The bouncer said, “A Doberman?” The woman said, “Yes, they’re using them now. They’re very good.” The bouncer said, “OK, come on in.” The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, “What the heck,” so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.” The woman said, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.” The bouncer said, “A Chihuahua?” The woman with the Chihuahua said, “A Chihuahua? They gave me a F*cking Chihuahua?!”
____________________________

A Birthday Present

For my fifty seventh birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. I am still in great shape--I used to play on my college football team 45 years ago, so I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made an appointment with my new personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my developing enthusiasm!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress

Dear Diary:

MONDAY
Started my day at 6:00 a.m.
Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dncing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woohoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Inspirational!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air while she put weights on it!
My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile and Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It’s the beginning of a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY
I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.
Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for so early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster.
Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other rubbish too.

THURSDAY
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.
I couldn’t help being a half an hour late. It took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.
When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room.
She sent Lars to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY
I hate that miserable Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader.
If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, Iwould beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.

Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY
I’m having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.
I will also pray that next year my rotten wife will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy!

The JOKES Are On Us!
with Tommy Moore – The Professor of FUN!

The best part of being a professional comedian is, people always tell us jokes. Every issue, we’ll tell you one each from my comedy buddies, and one from me! To have any of these comics, or a whole comedy show for a night of fun, come to our website: www.profcomedy.com.

GROVER SILCOX – “I hate to diet. Some people have bumper stickers that say – Ask me about NutraSystem. Mine says – Ask me about Hostess Twinkies. I figure I’m not overweight as long as I can see my shoes… I’m up to a size 14 now.”

WILL NERI - So this guy falls into a 10,000 gallon vat of beer and drowns. They call his wife to give her the bad news that he’s dead.. She says, “Poor man, he never had a chance!” They said, “Well, I wouldn’t say that, he got out three times to pee.”

CHRIS RICH - “I just flew back on a cheap airline, and I had a bad feeling about this jet. For instance, the wings didn’t match! And First Class was all crash test dummies…”

AL LONG – (as George Burns) An 80 year old guy goes to the doctor. He says, “Doc, you’ve got to give me something to lower my sex drive.” Doctor says, “You’re 80 years old - it’s all in your head!” The guy says, “I know doc, that’s why I want to lower it!”

BEN KURLAND - So this girl in a bikini meets a guy on the beach. She says to the guy, “You know, your eyes match your bathing suit!” He says, “Why? Are the bulging?”

JIM DALY - Teacher says, “Johnny, if you had 50 apples in one hand, and 50 apples in the other hand, what would you have?” Kid says, “Very Big Hands!”

TOMMY MOORE - So this guy open up a brand new store. First day in business they deliver him a wreath that says, “Rest In Peace”. He calls the florist infuriated! He says, “What’s the meaning of this? I open a new store – and I get flowers that say ‘Rest in Peace’ ? Florist says, “You think you’re angry? Right now there’s a dead guy with flowers that say “Good Luck In Your New Location”!

…till next time…Keep Laughing!

...and as always, send your jokes to OOTJOKES@COMCAST.NET and we’ll print them for all to enjoy. Peace!